Panic Exits the Parking Lot, Part 2
By Theresa Shay
After sharing last week’s blog Panic in the Parking Lot, readers wrote to ask what happened after I pulled over. Here’s the story.
I was on my way to BioniCon - the first ever conference for adults living with scoliosis and spinal fusion. I realized on my drive that I had never spent any significant time with another adult who’d grown up with scoliosis. I was excited to be meeting so many scoliosis peers.
I was scheduled to speak on Aging Well with Scoliosis and lead Intro to TriYoga Therapeutics for Scoliosis. I had created slides for the panel presentation, gathered props, exchanged phone calls, emails, and texts, and carefully chosen my “smart casual” attire for the opening reception. I was eager.
When I exited I-95 and my mind spun out, sending my body into panic, I recognized that some deep pattern or belief around scoliosis had surfaced. As I wrote last week, the conditions were perfect to give rise to buried seeds of thought I hadn’t realized I had stashed away.
Yoga talks about “prints” in the mind that influence our behavior – these could be memories or stories we make up, or just confusion in the mind. Sometimes we have formed prints that lead us in great directions, like knowing my yoga practice always makes me feel better. Some mental patterns, however, bring less helpful energy to our lives. Often, these prints are underground, moving vibrations into the mind below the level of conscious awareness and affecting our physical and mental experience on the surface.
The most surprising thought I uncovered, sitting in my car with my breathing practices fully activated, was, “No one cares about your experience, Theresa.”
This was raw material.
I had never had this thought before, at least not consciously. (Most thoughts repeat, so when you encounter a fresh one, pay attention.) I knew it was robbing me of excitement and presence, and I knew it needed the light of wisdom to shine upon it.
As a pre-teen and teen, I went to umpteen doctor’s appointments and had a million x-rays. I gaped the first time I saw artificial arms and legs greeting me in the office where I was fitted for my back brace. I lived without bending over for four years. I avoided physical activity and physical contact. I never once gave time or attention to consider how I felt about all these experiences. Nor was I asked about them. I disconnected. I don’t blame anyone for that.
In those days (unfortunately still true in many cases), the mental journey with scoliosis was not recognized as significant. The medical world and my parents were doing the best they could to address my physical condition. I’m thankful I got that treatment. In the meantime, evidently, I swallowed the belief that no one cared to hear about my scoliosis experience, including me.
This had been the unconscious print at play when someone who didn’t have scoliosis would comment on how much I was now focusing on it in my writing and my programs. I’d gulp, then cry when I was alone.
Leaning back on the head rest with BioniCon four miles away, I heard my scared mind suggesting we go home. I would be safe alone in my room with my upset, a typical response I had growing up. But my wisdom mind knew I really wanted to head directly into this murkiness. I did not want to be trapped by these thoughts, now that I’d seen them. The only way through this contraction was to move forward with it, knowing the pattern would eventually dissolve on its own if I didn’t feed it my energy.
Overcoming mental patterns that limit us, throw us into panic, cause anxiety or depression, is not about fighting or avoiding the thoughts. It is, rather, about observing them. We have the mental capacity to see reality without encouraging vibrations that derail our calm, steady, peaceful (sattvic) journey. I was confident I could keep a deep breath flowing while this distress played out.
I turned my car back toward the route.
When I arrived at the hotel, I had to gather my courage to walk in. My legs were shaky as I stood in the lobby. My voice was not my own as I greeted Meredith, the conference organizer, and Caroline, my favorite scoliosis author. I had to keep directing my breath down low as I put on my outfit for the meet and greet reception. I was so committed to this process I texted my husband Glenn to say I’d arrived safely. I noted I was having a hard time, but I didn’t want to talk about it yet. I knew I needed to stay completely concentrated on moving through this experience as connected to my Self as I could be.
Surely, you can guess how things went. I went downstairs to the reception. I met Kelly Rose, Julianne, Allie, Meg, Shelby, Rachael, Tova, Emily, Jenna…one kind being after another. I found myself telling people how nervous I’d been driving in and laughing about it. We took in each other’s name tags, adorned with ribbons announcing our fused or unfused status (outed right there at the check in desk – oh my)! Everyone wanted to hear everyone else’s stories. People pulled out x-rays and passed them around. The room crescendoed to life. In less than an hour, I was back to my Self and back to my joy.
In one evening, I had met a community of women, with and without fusions, who will be friends for life. Not only was I safe, I was also surrounded in support. We cared a lot about each other’s experiences living with scoliosis. I shed tears of relief the whole weekend and tears of gratitude the whole drive home. The experience I’d worked so hard to hide all those years through puberty was out there, and beautiful connections had come from the sharing.
Integration and health on every level begin with accepting the invitation that upset brings. That invitation is far more extensive than any of us realize when we first walk toward it. But knowing that we can, that we want to, that we choose to, greet it creates the transformation that brings the alignment that matters. This is how to become free.
Start your path towards freedom by joining our Soothing Anxiety Challenge, beginning October 12.
Theresa Shay is the founding director of TriYoga of Central Pennsylvania, where she teaches weekly yoga and meditation online and trains others to teach TriYoga®. Each week, she shares wisdom cultivated from decades of TriYoga study and practice.
Learn more about her here. Theresa can be reached at Theresa@PennsylvaniaYoga.com. Find her on Instagram @TriYogaCentralPA and @scoliosis_wellness_journey for more inspiration and light.